When the Doubts Creep In (and I Feel Like I’ve Ruined My Kids)

This past week we spent a whole lot of time doing nothing. A little bit of cleaning and organizing here and there, but otherwise it was rest and refocusing on what is coming in the last six weeks of school.

At one point a friend texted me something that hit a wee bit of a rawness in me, because it echoed many of the doubts that have been circling my mind the last few weeks. 

Do you ever feel like you’ve ruined your kids? Having one of those vulnerable moments.  Sometimes I feel like I haven’t involved them in enough.  And I tell myself it’s not too late and that they’re pretty solid kids.  But yeah, sometimes those doubts.

My answer. Yes. I do. Even during the last week of rest there were moments when the doubt crept in. Should I be doing more? Less? We could be doing more. Maybe we should get them involved in _____. Perhaps we need to step up our work in another area. The list goes on and on. 

Yes, there will likely be gaps and things I miss, but honestly, that’s ok. I can’t be everything and the end all. I’m NOT everything and the end all.  I still need to do my best, but I can’t worry about every little detail or I will drive myself crazy. We take things one day at a time and as opportunities arise. Sometimes they are a great fit for where we are in life, and other times they need to be put aside in that moment. 

Many of the books I’ve been reading lately (and there is good reason for it), have focused on scaling back. Focusing on what is important and knowing what we want in our home and family. All timely reminders for me (and maybe you too). 

It’s so easy for me to get caught up in the cycle of having everything “perfect” on paper – lesson plans, making sure we are doing all the right stuff academically. We’re trying to involve them in some sports. It’s hard not to compare and see what other families are doing or involved in. But we’ve also made the decision as a family to try to simplify in some areas and not overextend ourselves. 

While reading The Magnolia Story this past week, one section really stuck out to me. In trying to create perfection in her home, Joanna Gaines realized something: 

…my determination to make things perfect meant I was chasing an empty obsession all day long. Nothing was ever going to be perfect the way I had envisioned it in the past. Did I want to keep spending my energy on that effort, or did I want to step out of that obsession and to enjoy my kids, maybe allowing myself to get messy right along with them in the process? I chose the latter — and that made all the difference…It all came down to a mind shift in which I asked myself, ‘What am I going for in life?’ Was it to achieve somebody else’s idea of what a perfect home should look like? Or was it to live fully in the perfection of the home and family I have?”  

As we finish up the rest of our school year, the one thing I want to ensure I’m doing is putting my energy into enjoying what we are doing — wholeheartedly — and FULLY enjoying the family and homeschool that we have been blessed with. While my family and school may not line up with what others are doing, that’s okay. We will finish well and in those moments of feeling vulnerable, I will focus on the task in front of me and remember to trust God in all that I am doing. Including my kids’ education.